Can you hear me now?

I just posted a comment on a friend's blog about dubbing and subtitles. I matter-of-fact stated that since I tend to have the television on closed captioning much of the time, I do better with subtitles.

I never dreamed it would come to this in my mid 40s though. Wait - not even mid 40s.

As I sit here this morning, listening to the ever increasing ringing in my ears (tinnitus), I'm reminded I've gotten quite good at little tricks and things to mostly keep this from everyone but Jon. Poor Jon -- the Parkinson's and the Parkinson's drugs tend to affect his speech. Sometimes I need sharp clear annunciation (with clear facial movements) to understand. Unfortunately, now he slurs ocassionally and his facial movements sometimes are a little soft and sluggish.

Can you hear me now?

In the chaos that tends to be my life, I have to laugh at the oddity. I have an IPod that I just received but haven't set up yet. Me - who lives in music - yet it sets nearly blank.

What if it's like my hands free cell phone feature? what if either I can't hear it or it causes pain when I can get it loud enough to hear.

Wouldn't life be wonderful if music could be closed captioned instead of just little music notes and an announcement that it *is* music?

Wouldn't it be the best if the fates didn't have a wicked sense of humour?

***

The photo above was taken summer 2006 @ The Virginia Renaissance Festival. Gary Schwartz is a gifted musician/composer who specializes in period music.

The most melancholy time of the year?

Yes the changes in familial situations is finally hitting me this year. Each year prior we tried to figure out how to juggle visiting and the kids (even when they're adults they're still kids) and Mom and this year we literally have no agenda - no need to juggle. It will be just Jon, Mom, and myself. For any gifts we will probably do online and mail (ever so much easier) or $$$ (Robert's rather logical request).

The holidays have always been about family from the first time I spend Thanksgiving eve with Grandma doing the prep for the next day to even last year when I planned around a neighbor and son + girlfriend. It has always been controlled chaos. This year it appears to be organized.

That is probably the most unnerving aspect - Thanksgiving will be organized.

The shopping was disorganized though ... I guess that's a plus? heh

the photo above was taken autumn 2006 at the Maryland Renaissance Festival

I had to laugh at work today

again not that Manderly quote but again I'm not an author ........

With the holidays upon us, our VP of Admin sent out a memo stating what days the offices would be closed, what days the offices would be closed early, and what times of the early closings.

We're closed Thanksgiving and the day after, Christmas Day and New Years Day. We close early (at noon) on Monday Christmas Eve and Monday New Years Eve.

This poses a rather challenging aspect to my particular position as 1) I'll have to do a 2 day job in 1 day (because of time constraints --- banks are closed on Christmas and New Years) but now 2) I'll have to do a 2 day job in about a 1/2 day 3) Christmas Eve is the last payroll of 2007 (payrolls are figured by paydate so of course Dec 31 would be paid in 2008) and as such has a lot of last minute adjustments.

My CFO (my boss) was less than sympathetic until I reminded him that it affected him as well.

Misery - it do love company :)

the photo above was taken this summer (2007) of Jake - a cat that we're currently fostering for a friend. He tends to have that look quite often -- as if he's silently judging the world

Art Sunday

For today's Art Sunday I thought I'd highlight 4 of Norman Rockwell's prints - The Freedom Series. All were originally story illustrations in The Saturday Evening Post in 1943. The first is Freedom from Fear which was from the March 13, 1943 Edition.

All of these can be seen at The Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, Massachusetts

Freedom of Speech originally an illustration from The Saturday Evening Post February 20, 1943. In 2004 this series was part of an exhibition called Norman Rockwell’s Four Freedoms: Paintings That Inspired a Nation and was displayed at The Corcoran Museum in Washington DC.

This painting is titled Freedom from Want and was originally a story illustration from The Saturday Evening Post March 16, 1943.

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from http://www.corcoran.org/

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During the height of World War II, Norman Rockwell painted four of the most powerful and enduring images in American history. Like many artists and writers, he supported the war effort by creating work inspired by President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s January 1941 State of the Union address outlining his four basic human liberties: freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from want, and freedom from fear. Unlike his peers, however, Rockwell did not receive a government commission to interpret Roosevelt’s words. Instead, the Saturday Evening Post paid the Vermont artist to create the paintings for reproduction in that enormously popular weekly magazine. The four commanding images achieved the instant and widespread recognition government officials could only hope for: in four weeks during the spring of 1943 they reached millions of American living rooms through the pages of the Post.

Freedom to Worship originally a story illustration from The Saturday Evening Post February 27, 1943.

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For today's Art Sunday I say we honor our freedoms and the persons who lost their lives so that we may have them.

*****

"Freedom is a possession of inestimable value. " ~~ Cicero

To be Anti-social

Today I had such a pang of longing for the old Yahoo 360. Of course that didn't last as I tried to check my Yahoo mail and found the system was down.

*sigh*

The things they mess up.

I do miss my online community though.

Anyway I might eventually have to cave and wander back to Multiply. This entire change came at the absolutely worst time for me -- I had just closed my page down to a very few people and BAM on multiply I had dozens of requests perday --- of people I didn't know and people I did know and people who had changed their names so I knew them but didn't think I did ... too much too fast. When I needed to circle the wagons I had chaos.

Thanks - 's all the same I had chaos at home. I didn't want more.

I still don't. Not yet.

For now I think I'll embrace my anti-sociality ... until things calm down in my personal life for a while.

the picture above is of Essie - a cat we're fostering for a friend of mine. It was taken summer 2007

What happened to Autumn?

We have went from near summer weather a couple of weeks ago to snow in Erie PA this week. That might have something to do with the sense of imbalence many are feeling but I blame the Christmas music that showed up the week of Halloween.

Yes the last week in October one of my radio stations started playing Christmas Carols. This week my HR director started playing Christmas music on her XM radio.

Call me a Scrooge - you're entitled - but I refuse to turn on Christmas music until the week or so before Christmas.

Now we're seeing all the buy-me buy-me buy-me commercials. The one that (currently) sits my teeth on edge though is the one where they're all going to Grandma's house and the mother just wants to go home and open her new Best Buy package so they drive up, honk at the old woman waiting patiently on the porch, then roar away laughing.

What lesson does that teach?

I prefer one of my favorite Christmas commercials from my youth. I do apologize for the quality of the video but I bet it is enough to jog your memory:




the picture above is from Christmas 2006

Adjustments

Isn't it amazing what a month can bring? It's been near to a month since the diagnosis. Since then I've learned more about Parkinson's than I ever wanted and still know basically nothing.

• I now know that you cannot get life insurance with a diagnosis of Parkinsons.


• I now know that you cannot get long term care insurance with that diagnosis (ok I predicted that one).


• I now know that protein levels are important. Protein often makes the medications wear off too soon. Therefore we juggle when proteins are consumed.


• I now know that this illness (whether the illness itself or more likely the medications) *can* affect the immune system. However the neurologist seems unconcerned over the fact that there is also history of asthma.


• I now know that even though many strides are being made, not all treatments work for all patients and most things only work for a short time (in the grand scheme of long term maintenance medication).

Plans - more plans, fewer plans, what to choose to do and what not to choose.

• I am picking up my health insurance at work just in case because then preexisting conditions don't come into play.


• I am trying to estimate what we should invest in the house figuring that we will probably have to move to single level in 5-7 years. I hope it's not sooner. I am really hoping for more like 10 years.


• I am researching bus routes and mass transit - again just in case.


• I am a frequent visitor to michaeljfox.org because sometimes I have to take a break from the multitude of information out there. Small doses.


• I am not sleeping. I plan even in my dreams. Plans that change, alter, rearrange in hopes of finding the best possible solution.

However - I *am* coping.

Yes the *I* word is all over this blog. He has his own blog he can blog about what he wants to blog about. This one is mine.

the picture above is just a rainy photo from out my front door taken sometime in 2006

On this date

On this date last year I was still numb from the call 2 days before telling me my best friend Deb (who was also my cousin) had unexpectedly died.

On this date last year I was still emotionally rocked from discovering 2 days before that my father had died in April and no one thought to inform me.

On this date last year I apologized to my son Robert because his birthday was wrecked again by deaths in the family. It happens frequently. He was still pretty upset over Dad and Debbie.

On this date last year we were informed that Jon's mother was not long for this earth. She passed six days later.

---I send a fervent prayer that this November is kinder. I doubt I could take another one like last year. October this year was nearly bad enough to send me to a shrink begging any drugs to make it all just go away.

the photo above was taken at Calvert Cliffs summer 2007

The Daily Zen

from http://www.dailyzen.com/

When this mind is clear and bright
And is not covered over,
Then you are not very different
From the sages.
If you allow no wavering
From this clarity, and do not
Let it change,
And do not cling to it,
And do not neglect it:
This is learning.
Just protect it all the time


- Luo Hongxian (1504-1564)

Yet another one I like. I've started in the last few weeks to resume reading The Daily Zen. Sometimes it's something to share and other times it's not but it always seems to touch me on some level.

The absolute clarity of thought: do not neglect it and do not cling to it just protect it.

I like that.

the photo above was taken on Cape Cod winter 2006

This is a copy of my November 4, 2006 360 blog

From November 4, 2006 - When your life reads like a bad dime store paperback

I wasn't going to blog about this because it would make it just too real. Then, after being in a sort of twilight sleep last night, where I tried and tried to find a way someone had made a horrid mistake, I decided that maybe I *need* to make it more real.

What do you do about a grief so deep it's nearly inarticulable?

OK that's a question isn't it? Yesterday evening my father's sister (Aunt Mary) called to tell me her daughter, my cousin and best friend, had inexplicably collasped, was taken to the hospital, and had subsequently died. I'm certain there are more facts that might or might not come my direction but does it really matter? Having never had siblings, Debbie was always my surrogate - the sister I always wished I had. We could go 6 hours, 6 days, 6 months or longer without talking and just pick right up where we left off. In all the world she knew me best. She was the character who was the subject of THIS BLOG LOL. She was only 45. More than likely she was befell by a nasty little cogential heart problem that runs in that side of my family. Normally it takes the males and normally they're closer to 60 at the time.

I, rather obviously, asked Aunt Mary if she wished for me to call my father and Johanna (stepmom) or if she would rather. She asked if I would. This is typical for our relationship btw - Dad rarely gave any of his time to family so possessiveness happens I guess LOL.

Here's where it goes from a simply "that's so sad" untimely death and takes a walk on the 'This is Stephanie's life' side.

I go out to the car to plug my phone into the charger (long story short I have always had to hide Dad's phone number from Mom because they had an UBER passive/agressive relationship all my life) so I can get Dad and Jo's phone number. I call, get an answering machine, figure they're screening calls so I start talking. Johanna gets on the phone.

How she told me I"ll never remember. All I remember is her saying he had died in April and she couldn't find my phone number to tell me.

EXCUSE ME????????

April???? Like 6 months ago and she told NONE of his family? I believe I asked if she smothered him. I know I asked if she conveniently forgot I was related to HALF OF NEWKIRK and she could've called the Post Office, the Water Department, the Police Department, The Bank for cryin out loud (cousin on Mom's side is a loan officer at the bank btw) and told them and it would've gotten back to his family. Then I told her I was going to get really ugly so I'd better hang up and I did.

I didn't even call names. Why don't I feel like more of an adult? Oh yeah because I was a snotty brat who wanted so bad to throw the phone to the ground and scream "not my daddy not my daddy". Somehow I doubt it would've helped that much .... To add insult to injury Jon found Dad's Obit (which I'd post the link to but you have to be a member to read it) and if stepmommiedearest had Mary's last name why couldn't she call directory information? Those type of questions just hurt so I dropped it ..... She doesn't understand the only thing I wanted was closure - nothing else. Oh well - her loss.

So - how does one grieve for someone with a grief so deep it IS inarticulable? The one person who could've said the right thing, who would've been able to make me laugh at the absurdity of my step mother, the one person who would've known to keep me talking and not let me crawl into the depression I so crave now is gone. Couple that with the grief of all the could have beens and should have beens and oh how I wish one more times that will never happen with Dad. I feel like someone hollowed me out and refilled me with rusty metal and broken glass.

Now THERE'S a visual.

Meanwhile in the last little bit of surrealism before I go find more coffee (thankfully NOT blogging during the news this time) somewhere I made a smartaleck remark that this year for Father's Day I was giving Dad the gift that keeps on giving: I wasn't calling to remind him he had a daughter and that I was sure he'd be pleased. Figures - he wasn't even alive to appreciate the sentiment.

Yes I know this isn't an easy blog to read. It wasn't an easy blog to write as well and dammit it does read like a poorly written dime store novel. If only it weren't true ....

*******
2007 update: I never could get Johanna to answer my calls so that bit of closure won't happen. I can still remember the sound of Deb's voice as if it were just yesterday I last spoke with her.

I still miss her - even more now.

Welcome to Baltimore - Hon

Saturday afternoon Jon and I snuck off to Baltimore and took a tour of Clipper City Brewing Company. I often use the snarky term 'be still my acquisitional heart' but in reality I *am* a business and econ geek so it was great fun to see how the different beers come into creation. Plus (plug here) if you take the tour its free but if you pay $5.00 for a commemorative glass you get 6 beer sample coupons. Fun times.

I hadn't realized how much I missed Baltimore. It's not quite your typical east coast city. From the martime history of Fells Point to the local yearly Pirate Invasion to the Hon Fest - it's still very much a blue collar working town but one that celebrates it's diversity and it's rich heritage (even of the less than savory characters). Maybe that's why it feels like home. Washington often seems very otherworldly - you see suits and limos and BMWs but when you go to Baltimore you see people who get dirty gettin the job done. Baltimore is still the type place where you can get good food (and a beer - without a grimace) and a 'everything ok hon?' from your waitress as well.

******

The picture above is of a replica clipper ship taken in 2006. That particular clipper is no longer in service.

Art Sunday

Mercatale Still Life (1981) by William Bailey which can be seen at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City.

*****

In looking around my home and wondering what art prints we'd like next (we currently have a small Monet and a larger Van Gogh as well as some other smaller prints), I started thinking about the Contemporary Realism artists. This is a wonderful example of something that I would own. I love the clean lines and the simplicity of the composition. It just speaks to me. It's also nice that his is an artist from my era. Sometimes we overlook the greatness from our era in favor of the masters of times gone.

I thought I'd include a little music from 1980 - this is Rise by Herb Alpert. 1980 was a fun year. I was a sophmore in high school, the music was all over the charts from rock to jazz to remnants of disco to country. Art was definitely the last thing on my mind though. I am fairly certain had I seen this piece I would have wanted it however.

Art Sunday seems odd without 360 - I know it's on multiply and I might go back there later. For now I remain the blogging agorophobic preferring to stay within my partially closed walls and embracing the known vs the unknown.

Have a beautiful Sunday !

Of kitties and jewelry and friends and things ......

After being awaken by a friendly kitty pounce on the bed,

Sitting this morning listening to the furry rumble of another kitty.

After a lovely night last night chatting with a friend over wine

--followed by some jewelry, get some giggles, some hugs and kisses.

After all this I'm reminded

--I'm reminded that life is good

-----really good.

Why 4 a.m.

Why would one ever choose to wake before dawn?

Why would one choose to get up while it's still dark, quiet, and even a bit chilly?

ahhhhhhhhhh that would be why.

These times in the morning are near sacred to me. The peace and quiet of a silent household - the only sounds being our furry felines. The one time that I can quietly approach the day. I don't mind company providing it's quiet - or at least purrring. This is when I recharge my batteries. The day brings hustle and bustle, the night brings nightmares from which I beg to awake. Only the predawn hours bring peace and solitude.

This is the one time just for me.

Selfish? You BETCHA !

Time is such a fleeting thing

How can something so intangible rule our lives so completely?

On this date in History The Cistine Chapel was completed by Michaelangelo.

I'll never see it. True true - not a pity party but a fact of existance. There simply are not enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the year, years in the lifetime to do 1/10 of what I long to do.

I'd love to:

• Go to Europe


• Learn to sail


• Go to the Bahamas


• See Salzburg


• Visit Lisbon


• Take Jon to Deception Pass


• Learn Latin (ok maybe Learn Spanish first)


• Visit Egypt
• See the Grand Canyon and the Painted Desert
• See The Vatican


• Take Jon to Ireland, Scotland, and Northern England


• See Hong Kong


• Vacation in Polynesia


• See the Louvre


• Go to the Big Island of Hawaii


• Go to Montreal


• Visit Rejavik


• Swim with the dolphins


• 1000 other things I've not remembered

Read every book I ever wanted. That in itself is a lifetime achievement - a more than a lifetime achievement.

There is just simply too much to see and too much to experience for one solitary lifetime. Some things I will do. Others simply won't happen.

Time simply moves too fast .........

To blog or not to blog

or more appropriately which platform among the many to use?

I was a loyal 360 blogger for near to 2 years (from October of 05). One of my more successful endeavours (The Friday Five on 360) was either hacked or lost through Yahoo bugs. Either way it was there one day and gone the next after weeks of inability to access.

The 360 crowd were there and then there and then there and now some are back there awaiting a new Universal Profile (ala Mash?) due to come sometime next spring.

Others of the 360 crowd headed over to Multiply.

Soon the new 360 was Multiply and as such the bugs started, the problems started, the drama started.

So I posted on my Multiply blog (yes I have one) that I am getting off the merry go round. The social networking sites are fine but once you get started it can become near an obligation. The drama starts. The friending/defriending/threats to leave etc starts.

The headaches start.

Then it's oh so easy to forget *why* you blog. Some do blog for the sole purpose of others reading. Some blog to pass information to others. Some blog to make a statement and others still chronicle their lives through words and pictures.

I blog simply because Harold likes to talk sometimes. Simple. For any people who might not know, Harold is my muse. Sometimes he's creative. Often he's funny. Even more often he's wickedly sarcastic and a bit intolerant (wait - that last one is me). Mostly he's the little voice that begs to write knowing full well that I'm better with numbers than words.

Why do I blog?

Because I can't not blog.