From November 4, 2006 - When your life reads like a bad dime store paperback
I wasn't going to blog about this because it would make it just too real. Then, after being in a sort of twilight sleep last night, where I tried and tried to find a way someone had made a horrid mistake, I decided that maybe I *need* to make it more real.
What do you do about a grief so deep it's nearly inarticulable?
OK that's a question isn't it? Yesterday evening my father's sister (Aunt Mary) called to tell me her daughter, my cousin and best friend, had inexplicably collasped, was taken to the hospital, and had subsequently died. I'm certain there are more facts that might or might not come my direction but does it really matter? Having never had siblings, Debbie was always my surrogate - the sister I always wished I had. We could go 6 hours, 6 days, 6 months or longer without talking and just pick right up where we left off. In all the world she knew me best. She was the character who was the subject of THIS BLOG LOL. She was only 45. More than likely she was befell by a nasty little cogential heart problem that runs in that side of my family. Normally it takes the males and normally they're closer to 60 at the time.
I, rather obviously, asked Aunt Mary if she wished for me to call my father and Johanna (stepmom) or if she would rather. She asked if I would. This is typical for our relationship btw - Dad rarely gave any of his time to family so possessiveness happens I guess LOL.
Here's where it goes from a simply "that's so sad" untimely death and takes a walk on the 'This is Stephanie's life' side.
I go out to the car to plug my phone into the charger (long story short I have always had to hide Dad's phone number from Mom because they had an UBER passive/agressive relationship all my life) so I can get Dad and Jo's phone number. I call, get an answering machine, figure they're screening calls so I start talking. Johanna gets on the phone.
How she told me I"ll never remember. All I remember is her saying he had died in April and she couldn't find my phone number to tell me.
EXCUSE ME????????
April???? Like 6 months ago and she told NONE of his family? I believe I asked if she smothered him. I know I asked if she conveniently forgot I was related to HALF OF NEWKIRK and she could've called the Post Office, the Water Department, the Police Department, The Bank for cryin out loud (cousin on Mom's side is a loan officer at the bank btw) and told them and it would've gotten back to his family. Then I told her I was going to get really ugly so I'd better hang up and I did.
I didn't even call names. Why don't I feel like more of an adult? Oh yeah because I was a snotty brat who wanted so bad to throw the phone to the ground and scream "not my daddy not my daddy". Somehow I doubt it would've helped that much .... To add insult to injury Jon found Dad's Obit (which I'd post the link to but you have to be a member to read it) and if stepmommiedearest had Mary's last name why couldn't she call directory information? Those type of questions just hurt so I dropped it ..... She doesn't understand the only thing I wanted was closure - nothing else. Oh well - her loss.
So - how does one grieve for someone with a grief so deep it IS inarticulable? The one person who could've said the right thing, who would've been able to make me laugh at the absurdity of my step mother, the one person who would've known to keep me talking and not let me crawl into the depression I so crave now is gone. Couple that with the grief of all the could have beens and should have beens and oh how I wish one more times that will never happen with Dad. I feel like someone hollowed me out and refilled me with rusty metal and broken glass.
Now THERE'S a visual.
Meanwhile in the last little bit of surrealism before I go find more coffee (thankfully NOT blogging during the news this time) somewhere I made a smartaleck remark that this year for Father's Day I was giving Dad the gift that keeps on giving: I wasn't calling to remind him he had a daughter and that I was sure he'd be pleased. Figures - he wasn't even alive to appreciate the sentiment.
Yes I know this isn't an easy blog to read. It wasn't an easy blog to write as well and dammit it does read like a poorly written dime store novel. If only it weren't true ....
*******
2007 update: I never could get Johanna to answer my calls so that bit of closure won't happen. I can still remember the sound of Deb's voice as if it were just yesterday I last spoke with her.
2007 update: I never could get Johanna to answer my calls so that bit of closure won't happen. I can still remember the sound of Deb's voice as if it were just yesterday I last spoke with her.
I still miss her - even more now.
3 comments:
The first year of anniversaries/holidays/birthdays/special days is always the hardest. I think the Jewish faith has it right with the official laying of the headstone at one year.
I didn't read this the first time around. And despite its sadness and tragedy I admit I had to laugh at one point. You family was as warped (may I say that) as mine. We always joked that it would be over a casual call we would hear about Dad's death. "oh, by the way, dear, we buried your father last week. It was a small service and we didn't want to bother you." Of course it was a small service. And who was the we.
When Dad did actually lay dying in ICU Mom did not want to call my brother and inform him. "He has so much on his plate these days." I am honestly not sure if Mother ever forgave my sister and me for calling Gary.
It is totally forgivable (if not really Zenish) to be mad as hell about that. You need to find closure on your own. Obviously the family is not going to be of any help. I stopped expecting it of mine.
My thoughts are with you.
Jacqui no apologies necessary as you've obviously 'been ther done that'. Yes my family is quite disfunctional and sadly the motivation behind my stepmother not telling me of my father's death was/is greed. She still will not take my calls and is operating under the mistaken impression I want anything of monetary value.
I'm currently in an odd situation as the 3 of the 4 people who actually still have pictures of me prior to 1991 are gone ... and 2 of the 4 - well they can't find any mementos, pics, etc. Mom is the 4th and she tossed a bunch before she moved to Oklahoma (prior to moving out here - Mom always did like to travel light).
Anyway, that is the huge monetary fortune I'm after - baby pictures of me - pictures that will be thrown away without a second glance when my stepmother passes.
As luck has it, my mother had this obsession with Dad so she has pictures of him from when they were married (yes she kept them and tossed my baby pictures ... moving on .....)so I will have those eventually.
I feel for you. Sometimes parents make decisions that aren't in our best interests don't they?
Yes I'm still quite angry :)
Thank you Jacqui.
At least you have photos of your father. At my mother's memorial service my brother took all the pictures of my mother and dad from the early years, like their wedding pictures with the promise to have copies made and sent to all of us.
That was 17 years ago. We don't even talk any more. If he goes for alcohol treatment and gets to step 5, make amends and calls to apologize I will listen to him.
I did get the album of my baby pictures. Something I have to make sure to pack up when we are on stand by evacuation during fire season.
Have you tried sending you stepmother a registered letter from a third party (son it won't be with your name on it attach the name attorney) asking for family photos and giving her 30 days to comply to the request? She might then hear the request and maybe comply.
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