Harold's blog

This always has been (and forever will be) Harold's blog. As you can probably tell, Harold decamped for quite a bit My picky muse doesn't deal well with stress and angst and the last year has rather redefined those. Plus I'm quite afraid my Celexa puts a damper on the Harold input as well.

A psychologist would probably say that's a good thing. I most definitely beg to disagree. Life without Harold is a rather bleak existence.

In the last year - yes it's been nearly a year (February 26th in fact it will be a year) it's been a constant struggle to find out exactly who I am without the constant worry about another person. Yes Jon's still around but he's pretty self-sufficient. I'm talking about the gaping void left when you find you were the unwilling co-dependent for someone with a mental illness and then that burden is suddenly gone. It's pretty scary to realize that you can work 24 hours a day or sleep 12 or go somewhere without constantly worrying what will happen -- or worse -- what crisis you will come home to. I have a better understanding of what long term prisoners must feel upon release and realizing there is a life out there but you just don't know what to do with it. Yeah - effectively been there in a small way.

Life with Celexa? eh not great but it definitely took the edge off. Due to some rather unfortunate side effects I tend to have on any mood altering medication, the physicians are a bit afraid to increase the dosage even though at time's I've begged. They're rightly concerned. It's a balancing act, and anyone who knows me well knows balance just isn't my strong suit.

Bit by bit though, I hear or see or think something a bit outside the box and think "Hi Harold". He's developed into a bit of a cynic of late but that can be easily forgiven. It's easy to forget how fragile a muse can be and if this last year (3 years in fact) have been rough on me, they must've been truly hideous for him.

Piece by piece I'm rediscovering. Piece by piece, Harold is speaking again - yes still in the shower, or most recently, in the quiet dawn when I go outside for my cigarette, in the times when I'm IPODing it and find a song I don't remember downloading -- well there he is. He's there in the rather obscure - but somehow enamouring - lyrics of Deacon Blues; he's there in Moonlight Feels Right (and he must be psychic because he always loved that song --- even before I knew where Easton Maryland was); and even sometimes he itches for the ivories. Not often - but sometimes.

Piece by piece, step by step, slow whispered message by slow whispered message.

Harold - I've missed you so.

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This was from my birthday in Baltimore last year. It's taken out of the window @ Koopers - a rather nice pub in Fells Point. Of course Harold couldn't pass up the chance to investigate a new pub :)

Baltimore

Finally the Baltimore pics are up.

Eventually I'll have a blog of more substance but for now - pictures.

So I took Harold to the water ....

I know I had promised photos of Baltimore and I will eventually. However, last weekend Jon and I went to Geneva Ohio for the Great Lakes Medieval Faire (review eventually) and -- of course -- Mine (and Harold's) first view of Lake Erie.

Definitely awe inspiring.

I loved the combination of resort town feel with down home country charm.

I think we'll be back.

Meanwhile --- photos:

G'mornin Harold

I have to laugh at that - having your muse wake you just to say good morning.

Then again there are worse things.

I find myself for the first time in literally ages longing for my camera. I literally itch for it. The photos I wish to take, the areas I long to photograph and chronicle, places new to discover and places to rediscover.

It's been a long time since I've felt that.

Perhaps it's the age old excitement over turning another year older. Perhaps it's just the blissful idea of no concrete plans, no demands, for the next 3 days.

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- the idea of a few pints in Fells Point wooed my picky muse.

Either way, there will be pictures this weekend :)

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The photo above was taken of The Inner Harbor in Baltimore from the walk by Rusty Scupper winter 2007. Oh yes, there will be Rusty Scupper in my future this weekend as well ;)

Harold insisted :)

Since this year July 4th falls on a Friday and July 5th falls on a Saturday, Jon and I decided to spend that weekend in Baltimore. Yes I know it's a little bit silly (just a little) when we're so close but I remember the unending marathon of 2006 when it was so very hard to get OUT of Baltimore after fireworks. With a hotel room, this won't happen. We're also staying in a lovely lil area 1/2 between Fells Point and The Inner Harbor -- Little Italy.

Yes pictures will be taken. These are the photos from July 4 2006.

Besides, I've been to The Capitol for July 4th celebrations and frankly I think Baltimore is more user friendly and has much nicer fireworks displays. When faced with the lovely idea of a 3 day weekend and where to celebrate Independence Day AND my birthday it really was a no brainer.

Of course Harold insisted I let it be known -- in case anybody happens to wander up Baltimore way and wants to say hi.

We may do a tour, we might do another visit to Poe House (which I've not photographed before), we may just wander around Fells Point and Little Italy -- the plans are deliberately loose. We don't have to get a spot and be locked in (ala The Capitol last I was there) and hey if it rains (which less than friendly people have taunted me with) then by damned it rains.

It's not like we'll melt or anything .....

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The photo above is from July 4, 2006, (Inner Harbor Baltimore) where I found that allllll day plus hours getting out afterwards rather takes the joy out of the excursion ;)

Harold's Blog

wait? Harold's blog?

As a matter of fact .....

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In all honesty, this blog (with it's rather oddish title) was at Harold's back during the hightime glory days of Y!360. Sometimes things just wanted to be put on paper -- ok well in cyberspace anyway -- that wasn't of a social blogging nature.

This was it.

Later it was where I started working through the multiple illnesses with Mom and Jon's diagnosis. Here is where I said the things that could -- and probably would -- get me blasted on the more social platforms.

In a desperate attempt to re-woo my picky muse, I'm converting this back to "Harold's blog". It won't have angst (maybe snark though - he is a snarky lil bugger), it might have poetry (or prose) and more than likely more photos. Those are still Harold's favorite mode of expression.

On That Note: have you ever just watched the hands of a gifted magician? No no no -- NOT to catch how he or she does the 'trick'. I'm talking about the grace of movement of sleight of hand. It's rather a ballet in and of itself.

Haven't noticed? Take a look sometime. Remember, magic is where you find it -- you have only to take a moment to notice.

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The photo above is from Virginia Renaissance Faire 2006. Sometimes it's the little things you find in the out of the way places that bring the most joy. For such a small faire it's truly one of our favourites.

A series of partially related thoughts:

subtitled One Too Many Blogs

I took that picture last year of Mom's roses. She insisted we simply MUST have tea roses in front of the house. I'm not exactly a rose person. However I caved and we planted them. When she fell ill in January and into February, I made mention that I hoped she'd be able to see them bloom this year. She didn't make it that long. I'm still sorting out the mess she had made with her name (and the multiple name changes), with some property she sold on contract, and the lack of a will. She is still currently residing on her dresser in her old room because no action feels quite right: everything I consider doing with her ashes seems wrong. I guess when in doubt do nothing eh? Sometimes that is the best solution. Other times .....

We recently had to do a medication change for Jon. He and the Mirapex had MAJOR issues. Ignoring it did not make it go away either. I blogged about it on Life's Little Ironies - I won't go into it here except to say thank goodness that part is partially fixed. Now to wait on a fix for Parkinsons.

Speaking of Life's Little Ironies - Wordpress currently apprears to be my main blog. I had it hidden for a while but then decided why not eh? I still cannot quite get back on the social networking merry-go-round. I try and try and it just seems like too much work. Actually quite a bit of life seems like too much.

Which leads me to this: unless I feel markedly better in the next few weeks, I think I will visit my physician regarding anti-depressants. Actually I've had clinical depression before. This doesn't feel like it. This feels more like the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I had back in 1991 only I don't freak when it rains. It just feels like everyone is moving 100 mph and I'm moving about 35 and I wake up in the middle of the night with my mind racing over all the things that simply must be done. However I can't link this feeling to one event. Then again there's been quite a lot of chaos in my life in the last 6 months from Mom's stroke, illness, cancer diagnosis and death to Jon's Parkinson's diagnosis, to issues with his mother's estate ... it definitely hasn't been quiet and calm.

Which leads me back full circle to Mother's roses. We lost one of them. Sort of symbolic yes? I will replant with a red one - she would've liked that.