A series of partially related thoughts:

subtitled One Too Many Blogs

I took that picture last year of Mom's roses. She insisted we simply MUST have tea roses in front of the house. I'm not exactly a rose person. However I caved and we planted them. When she fell ill in January and into February, I made mention that I hoped she'd be able to see them bloom this year. She didn't make it that long. I'm still sorting out the mess she had made with her name (and the multiple name changes), with some property she sold on contract, and the lack of a will. She is still currently residing on her dresser in her old room because no action feels quite right: everything I consider doing with her ashes seems wrong. I guess when in doubt do nothing eh? Sometimes that is the best solution. Other times .....

We recently had to do a medication change for Jon. He and the Mirapex had MAJOR issues. Ignoring it did not make it go away either. I blogged about it on Life's Little Ironies - I won't go into it here except to say thank goodness that part is partially fixed. Now to wait on a fix for Parkinsons.

Speaking of Life's Little Ironies - Wordpress currently apprears to be my main blog. I had it hidden for a while but then decided why not eh? I still cannot quite get back on the social networking merry-go-round. I try and try and it just seems like too much work. Actually quite a bit of life seems like too much.

Which leads me to this: unless I feel markedly better in the next few weeks, I think I will visit my physician regarding anti-depressants. Actually I've had clinical depression before. This doesn't feel like it. This feels more like the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I had back in 1991 only I don't freak when it rains. It just feels like everyone is moving 100 mph and I'm moving about 35 and I wake up in the middle of the night with my mind racing over all the things that simply must be done. However I can't link this feeling to one event. Then again there's been quite a lot of chaos in my life in the last 6 months from Mom's stroke, illness, cancer diagnosis and death to Jon's Parkinson's diagnosis, to issues with his mother's estate ... it definitely hasn't been quiet and calm.

Which leads me back full circle to Mother's roses. We lost one of them. Sort of symbolic yes? I will replant with a red one - she would've liked that.

Photo above was taken just before the April snowstorm 2007

Staking my claim

I am hereby reclaiming my life.

I cannot choose how others act but I can choose how I re-act to their actions.

I cannot always choose the circumstances, but I can choose to adapt to them.

I have the power over how I feel.

*******
I've been slacking off recently, not going to the gym and not watching what I eat, all in the guise of "well I've been depressed." Guess what? That's Bullshit. Yes some things have happened recently. Some of them have been posted here. Some have been posted elsewhere. Some just conveyed quietly to friends. Still other things I have been quietly attempting to deal with on my own.

So yes it sucks - majorly - many of the things that have happened in the last few years. However, I have my health, I have my job, and dammit I have my choices.

Henceforth, I will be responsible for myself and my choices.

I choose:

• To watch what I eat, when I eat and more importantly what I eat
• To excercise with some semblence of regularity because it makes ME feel good
• To attempt to learn a new task or skill each day
• To live without the actions of other affecting my behaviour
• To live without fear or regret
• To understand that Jon's disease is just that - his disease and his responsibility
• To focus on the positive
• To understand each new day is just that - a new day; a new beginning.

So that's that. Sometimes it just has to be said. Sometimes it has to be read.
Sometimes it just has to be.
*****
I took the photo above last year in Washington. The city squirrels are afraid of nothing. That chutzpah is something I rather admire. Perhaps I should take a page from their book eh?

Why is it 3:30 in the a.m.?

...and what am I not in bed?

The answer to that is simple: snoring. Mine? no.

It's been just my fortune to not only have a spouse with Parkinson's but one who snores and snores LOUD. Loud enough that when I'm upstairs with the door shut and the television on I can still hear him. In bed? Oh please.

Sometimes I almost expect the neighbors to call.

So I'm often up and awake at ungodly hours because I cannot bring myself to forbid him his bed. I'm often up and awake because the noisy darlin just can't seem to understand how loud he is. After begging for years for a sleep study, I've finally given up and simply greet the dawn with a yawn instead of a smile.

Yes it's 3:30 a.m. and now it's coffee time -- dawn is just around the corner.

*****

the photo above is from Spoutwood Farm in Pennsylvania home of the PA Fairie Festival. The early morning mist reminds me of dawn breaking in the mountains.

...but you don't really?

do you?

I often have Yahoo Messenger up and running while I'm at work. It's quite simple: we have offices in multiple states. I work at corporate. Therefore there are times when it's easiest -- and best -- to communicate with the branch offices via IM rather than email or phone.

The downside to this is the trolls that sometimes wander up on YIM.

Often I get the typical "hello gorgeous" (which is funny because my profile doesn't have a picture) or "whachooo doin" (working) or any number of ordinary pickup lines. However the braver ones try to get an entre by commenting on the music I listen to (which is reflected on messenger). Most often it's highly critical.

Most common is the argument of "but you don't really listen to that do you?" "No really?" "Nobody listens to classical music."

I do.

I find it soothing to listen to at work. Yes sometimes I have classic rock and sometimes smooth jazz but the most often is yes - classical.

Maybe that is what separates the men from the boys - or in this case, the true music lovers from those who just want background noise. You'll find that those of us who love music, those of us who love it enough to minor in it in college and take classes, listen to the masters often. We enjoy the beauty, the peace, the magic of the great works. Some of us prefer opera. Others of us prefer Baroque but not opera, rather symphonies. Some prefer chamber music, others embrace the Russian composers. I have a strong leaning toward the Sturm and Drang movement of the Classical era. In fact The Classical Era is my favorite era of music as well as some of the Late Baroque and Early Romantic Eras.

Bonus? I've found a great way to rid myself of the trolls. They tend to rapidly retreat, no doubt licking their confused wounds, when I attempt to explain to them that Ave Maria is not "Classical" music but is in fact Baroque signified by the .... and that's about the time they chime in with Thank you bye !

hehehe

SCORE !

*****

the photo taken above is one of the follies at the Pennsylvania Fairie Festival.

Sometimes it's just another day

No I don't subscribe to the whole Mother's Day being a Hallmark Holiday. However, sometimes it *is* just another day.

Last year we took Mom to Rusty Scupper for Mother's Day Brunch. Mother's Day was a big thing to her. Let's be honest: any day where she got flowers and candy and taken out to eat was a big thing to her. Last year Robert lived here.

This year Mom is gone. This year Robert is in Virginia working and with the price of gasoline I can easily see him not coming to visit. This year Montana is apparently (at least according to the ex) too busy all day long to call.

This year it's just another day.

Yesterday we did our out-to-eat at The Cheesecake Factory. That way we're not fighting the crowds today. Yesterday we did our visit to The Mall in Columbia, again so we're not fighting the crowds today. Jon and I are both rather pragmatic. On present days we simply take each other to go purchase what we wish. He has taught me that part of the joy is in watching me pick and choose. Of the plunder yesterday were a great pair of canvas peep toe sling back sandals, a bright red purse, and some rather lovely pieces of silver jewelry.

Today I am working on organizing the garb and turning Mom's old room into the garb room. Today I am moving around her furniture: some to stay in the room to be used, some to be moved to other places in the house. Today I am going through her jewelry another time to find homes for some of it and through her pictures to get them sent to friends and family.

Just another day.

********

I took that photo last year on Mother's Day of Rusty Scupper.

Whatever happened to ????

I have to wonder whatever happened to customer service. I see it in so many different little ways, where we - as the customer - should be grateful to be helped.

However, I'm finding in the land of donated items it's worse.

Mother had an odd request: before her death, she had requested her clothing, shoes, etc be donated to AmVets. Attempting to honor that request, I sent an email to the AmVets website with an explanation that my mother - a Korean era Army Veteran - had requested her personal items be donated with them and that she had quite a few nice items.

I received an impersonal email stating to call ###-###-####. I called. I go through the schpiel again. I am interrupted to be informed that they won't have a truck available until sometime in June.

June? oooookkaaaayy. So I think, well - maybe a Veterans Affiliated donation place would work eh? What about Purple Hearts?

They have never returned my call. Yes I left the schpiel.

What about the Vietnam Vets place in Silver Spring? Well I emailed them because the online request for pickup gives a server error. They were supposed to acknowledge if they were available for pickup this Thursday. That's their scheduled date in this area but you just never know.

I have yet to hear from them either.

Seeing as how she had over 15 bags full of shoes, bags and coats and other sundry items in EXCELLENT shape and that I would just LOVE to donate, you would think I could find someone who would come get them? Maybe someplace to tell me where I can even drop them off?

Apparently not. Apparently free items are just a bit too much effort.

Her garb is not up for donation - it is already promised at her request - to the MS Prepare For Faire Sale. I will say this; if I don't hear from the last Vets place this week, I'll catch Cyd and see if our local MS chapter is interested.

*******

the photo was taken July 4, 2007 when a storm system came though.

Baby steps

I have a ton of different blog ideas roaming my brain but the urge to put them down just isn't there at the moment. I'm hoping the ideas stay until the desire to blog returns. If not then perhaps others will fill the vacuum.

I'm not certain how much of this apathy is the turmoil of the last 6 months and how much is the fact that my favorite blogging platform just isn't available at the moment. For those who know Harold, you remember he isn't fond of angst and being the picky muse he is, he decamps when I'm feeling emotionally out of sorts. For those who know Yahoo 360, well you know that it is all but dead in the water at the moment. Perhaps the new platform will renew a spark.

Baby steps: I think I have most of the paperwork surrounding Mom's estate taken care of save for a possible life insurance policy. Fortunately it was more simple in ways that I had assumed it would be. The years of contributing increasing amounts to Mother's expenses (as well as providing room and board gratis) is not without a tiny reward. Something about providing funeral home expenses being a tier 1 expense --- which translates to we pay ourselves first. Sadly there's not even enough to do that. Then again, I didn't step up for possible reward. It's just what you do.

We're also doing the slow conversion of 'her' room into the garb room. Don't get me wrong, Mom will still have her place on her dresser but I'll be moving the renfaire things from the other room to 'hers'. That will free my guest bedroom. Now to attempt to find a donation place to come get her things and hold her faire items for the MS Prepare for Faire sale. Bulk pickup is today.

Baby steps.

There is a blog in here somewhere about what it's like to be an empty nester for the first time in my life; to have a string of days where I don't have to check in on someone, where I don't have to bank sick days for another's potential illnesses. Perhaps another day.

******

the photo above is of The Wharf Rat in Fells Point (Baltimore) taken during the Pirate Invasion/Privateer Day this year. A good friend of mine held a toast to Granny here. As The Wild Granny was Keeper Of The Rum, we had a rum toast. She would've approved.