A-Z

A-Z.  Opposites.

I work with a lot of As.  A LOT of As.  The As are fond of reading me the latest political scandal with a healthy dose of  "well you know what that means don't you"?

No really what does that mean?  Well it means [insert conjecture taken] which will mean [insert bad thing that could happen].

Really?  Cite Your Source.

Actually Cite Your Source has gotten me in corporate hot water before.  When I was asked if I saw hearing on [insert hearings] I said yes because I had.  Then I was told "well according to [insert famous/infamous radio talk show personality] that [person speaking at hearings] was acting like that because he deliberately didn't take his medicine so he'd look bad.

Really?  interesting.  Person in question has Parkinsons.  As a spouse of someone with that debilitating illness, I'm fairly aware of the effects of the drugs - dyskinesia. (though I can't spell it obviously - I know the effects).  When I brought this information to the person self-appointed to educate me, he had nothing.  Obviously - because the Parkinson's Medication actually causes the effects you're attributing to not taking it.

Disinformation.  I hate that.  Then of course it was if [person speaking at hearings] gets his way then [insert bad thing that could happen] and [insert more bad things] and [OMG the boogey man].

Should.  Could.  Bad Thing.  Or Else.  Because.

These are words/phrases we use to control children.  They're not quantifiable, which gives them their power.

Because why.  Because I said so.  Because that's what [insert person of prominence/importance] said.

Cite your sources.  Not out of context, not from a YouTube video, not second hand.

Yet we find ourselves bound by these very things.  The fear that Else (or Elsewhere in the case of The Giver) brings.  And in that fear, we give up our control to another person.  Who is to say that other person is brighter, smarter, more educated that we are?  I think I proved above that no matter how famous/infamous you are, there's a risk that I know more.  Now there's a scary thought.

Until we open the closet door and expose the boogeyman to be nothing more than clothes on hangers and shoes on the floor, until we stand and say "Because WHAT?", we're like frightened children cowering in the dark, helpless to do anything but go to the person in power for guidance.

I am not an A.  Nor am I a Z.  I most closely resemble an R (though I suspect Harold is more of a V), and I am so tired of having what I believe, think, decide to be handed down like so much pablum being fed to infants.

All I want is Truth Justice and the American Way

without the cape of course - we all remember what happened to Metaman and Thunderhead.  Why?  because Edna told us - didn't you know?


**the photo taken above is of Jake - a lovely cat we were fortunate to foster for 3 years until the end of his life.  That is his 'church lady' look - or more appropriately, Jake the Skeptic.  Would that we all viewed life with a little more Jake.

Y!360 Flashback - Letter to My Younger Self

this post was originally written on Yahoo 360, 11/21/06

Stephanie,

I know you won't pay a lick of attention to this because let's face it, at 18 you think you know everything. What you don't realize is the world is ahead of you and if you just think it through you'll find there are so many more options than you see now.

I probably should tell you that sometime in January 83 (the date escapes me now) whatever rather haphazard birth control you're using will fail and yes the doctors have been wrong all this time. It is NOT the end of the world and so many people want to support whatever decisions you make. These people are not the ones screaming at you that you're ruining their life - these are the people who do truly love you. MARRIAGE IS A CHOICE !!!! When you're so very ill in mid summer you do not have to turn to someone who lives their life in a bottle. Other family members are there but they don't know how to approach you. You've always been so very brittle about accepting help.

What you don't realize in your fear, knowing that the father is an alcoholic who's family despises you and who you find you trust less and less, what you need to remember, is this little guy who will be appearing in your life in November will be the most important person in your life. Don't worry about keeping a family together or stopping a very dedicated alcoholic from drinking himself to death: pick yourself up - DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR MOTHER !! - and take your son and LEAVE.

Remember you can do anything if you only put your mind to it. You'll find that out MUCH further down the road. Pride is a wicked wicked fault of yours - pride and fear. You need to lose both.

I want you to do 3 easy things:

• Quit smoking
• Go back to school - major in computer science - you're good at it - and minor in music. Scholarships are your friends.
• Learn to believe IN YOURSELF !!!

Oh and on a sad note: take pictures, save memories - all you can - of Debbie. You'll lose her much much too soon and you'll regret forever that you have so little tangible to remember her by. Cherish her while she's with you. Ask her counsel - she really does know you best and will tell you the truths I am trying to convey here.

signed: a much older and sadly wiser Stephanie

p.s. When you finally DO move out on your own with Robert - do NOT get married again - at least not for a very long time. Needing you or the semblence of such does not equate love. You have always been so worthy of love if you only realized that sooner your life (and others) would've been much easier. Also - go track Gary Gackstatter down - he should be roaming around Ponca City - and keep track of him. He'll be important to your music - and sanity - later.

**the photo is from Rehoboth Beach July 2009

Dusting off the cobwebs

The things that have changed since the last time I wrote in here.  Too many to list, many too mundane to count.  Small things.  Large things.  Seemingly insurmountable things that are somehow scaled, then put behind in readiness for another day, another situation.

As you can see, Harold has been peeking out from where he's wont to hide when things get rough.  When the going gets tough, my muse heads for quieter places.  A gift of a new camera, coaxed him back for a bit and then somehow he wanted to talk again -- go figure.  While I bemoaned his gift of whispering to me in the shower, I find I miss it, startling though it could be.

The year of 46 has been a time of rediscovery and reinvention.  I'm finding myself slowly doing things that are best for me instead of the concern of everyone else.  I've decided to become a vegetarian.  We all know that I loathe anything that tends to get in a muss up the works.  Even though I'm currently on maintenance medication, I loathe that as well, however necessary it may be.  I'm in hopes that this path will eventually relieve me from that burden.

As for the monkeys, I've decided to abandon my re-discovered love affair with nicotine.  I had quit for quite a few years but when things went south, I aimed for the most readily available crutch.  That monkey is a mean, hungry monkey, but once it's off my back, I shall be happier.  I've also decided to quit feeding the caffeine junky.  It helps Jon.  It helps me.

This is still forever and always will be Harolds Blog.  He named it after all and no I still have no inkling from whence the name came.  However, in a rare moment of generosity, he has allowed some of Stephanie's personal life to visit because where would he get his flamboyant nature except from the colors and pallets of my past.  Pieces and patchworks of what mountain to be scaled will materialize here and there as always with a sprinkling of my muses sardonic wit - and captured memories.

I personally wanted to rename this blog To Touch The Sky.  Harold quietly told me to get my own blog if I had issues.

One does not argue with one's muse.

the photo above was taken at Virginia Beach May of 2010.  It was a bit of a pilgrimage for me as I'd left before age 3 and never been back.  We all know how Harold loves the water, witnessed by the photos taken.

Harold's blog

This always has been (and forever will be) Harold's blog. As you can probably tell, Harold decamped for quite a bit My picky muse doesn't deal well with stress and angst and the last year has rather redefined those. Plus I'm quite afraid my Celexa puts a damper on the Harold input as well.

A psychologist would probably say that's a good thing. I most definitely beg to disagree. Life without Harold is a rather bleak existence.

In the last year - yes it's been nearly a year (February 26th in fact it will be a year) it's been a constant struggle to find out exactly who I am without the constant worry about another person. Yes Jon's still around but he's pretty self-sufficient. I'm talking about the gaping void left when you find you were the unwilling co-dependent for someone with a mental illness and then that burden is suddenly gone. It's pretty scary to realize that you can work 24 hours a day or sleep 12 or go somewhere without constantly worrying what will happen -- or worse -- what crisis you will come home to. I have a better understanding of what long term prisoners must feel upon release and realizing there is a life out there but you just don't know what to do with it. Yeah - effectively been there in a small way.

Life with Celexa? eh not great but it definitely took the edge off. Due to some rather unfortunate side effects I tend to have on any mood altering medication, the physicians are a bit afraid to increase the dosage even though at time's I've begged. They're rightly concerned. It's a balancing act, and anyone who knows me well knows balance just isn't my strong suit.

Bit by bit though, I hear or see or think something a bit outside the box and think "Hi Harold". He's developed into a bit of a cynic of late but that can be easily forgiven. It's easy to forget how fragile a muse can be and if this last year (3 years in fact) have been rough on me, they must've been truly hideous for him.

Piece by piece I'm rediscovering. Piece by piece, Harold is speaking again - yes still in the shower, or most recently, in the quiet dawn when I go outside for my cigarette, in the times when I'm IPODing it and find a song I don't remember downloading -- well there he is. He's there in the rather obscure - but somehow enamouring - lyrics of Deacon Blues; he's there in Moonlight Feels Right (and he must be psychic because he always loved that song --- even before I knew where Easton Maryland was); and even sometimes he itches for the ivories. Not often - but sometimes.

Piece by piece, step by step, slow whispered message by slow whispered message.

Harold - I've missed you so.

******
This was from my birthday in Baltimore last year. It's taken out of the window @ Koopers - a rather nice pub in Fells Point. Of course Harold couldn't pass up the chance to investigate a new pub :)

Baltimore

Finally the Baltimore pics are up.

Eventually I'll have a blog of more substance but for now - pictures.

So I took Harold to the water ....

I know I had promised photos of Baltimore and I will eventually. However, last weekend Jon and I went to Geneva Ohio for the Great Lakes Medieval Faire (review eventually) and -- of course -- Mine (and Harold's) first view of Lake Erie.

Definitely awe inspiring.

I loved the combination of resort town feel with down home country charm.

I think we'll be back.

Meanwhile --- photos:

G'mornin Harold

I have to laugh at that - having your muse wake you just to say good morning.

Then again there are worse things.

I find myself for the first time in literally ages longing for my camera. I literally itch for it. The photos I wish to take, the areas I long to photograph and chronicle, places new to discover and places to rediscover.

It's been a long time since I've felt that.

Perhaps it's the age old excitement over turning another year older. Perhaps it's just the blissful idea of no concrete plans, no demands, for the next 3 days.

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- the idea of a few pints in Fells Point wooed my picky muse.

Either way, there will be pictures this weekend :)

*****

The photo above was taken of The Inner Harbor in Baltimore from the walk by Rusty Scupper winter 2007. Oh yes, there will be Rusty Scupper in my future this weekend as well ;)