Mother has been in the hospital the last few days -- near to a week in fact. Again, bad choices made in her youth, unwise choices made as an adult, and other contributory factors are involved. The choices we may have to make aren't easy ones.
So why are Jon and I having guiltful pleasures? Simply put, it's a rare moment when I've not had someone dependent upon me. In fact, in my entire adult life, I've nearly always had someone dependent upon me for one thing or the other. First it was Robert, then Montana, and now Mother.
I try to devise menus that incorporate foods she will deign to eat though she usually won't. We adjust our eating times for the optimal time for her to eat (again even though she usually won't). We adjust our lives around Mom's schedule.
This weekend Jon and I cooked what we chose, ate late, lingered at the table talking .....
...ahhh here comes the guilt.
Yes I know it's not being perfectly horrid to enjoy a day or two free of the mantle of caring for someone who is - quite frankly - a real bear to care for. Make her mad and you'll dance to her tune for literally weeks until her tissy fit subsides. Let her get bored and she'll call either her doctor or the ambulance. She's very sad and it takes come rather creative contortions to keep her happy and in some semblence of health. Sadly this has been my responsibility since birth and this responsibility will not cease until she breathes her last. It's a heavy weight but one I'm quite used to. I've over 40 years experience ....
So - to breathe a sigh of relief as the weight is passed -- if even for a fleeting moment -- to another. Guilt? yes. The guilt comes in waves. If she doesn't come home the guilt will be far worse I fear.
For now I breathe. For today I relax ... because I've no idea what tomorrow will bring.
**the picture above is of the February snow of 2006. They're predicting snow for today and I'm already dreading the drive to the hospital tonite.
6 comments:
I'm responsible for my mom, too, & she sounds a lot like yours. She's still in a retirement aprtment, & she's doing her own cooking, mostly, but she needs me to take her to her many various appointments, etc. She's a doctor lover, for sure, a common trait among women of her generation, I think. Anyway, 4 hours with her drains me to the dregs, & I don't know what to do about the chemistry between us. I'm an only child, so.... don't write about it much, if at all, but I think treating yourself is a necessity & definitely nothing to be ashamed of. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy--it won't last forever. I keep telling myself that, too. Cheers!
Ahhh dear yes your comment definitely has a ring of familiarity.
It's odd - Mom was always one for high drama but wasn't nearly as irrational as she's been in the last few years. She's cognizant and oriented but acting like a spoiled 3 year old having a bad day.
Jon and I take our treasured moments when they happen and I try not to focus on the fact that the times *we* have to enjoy before his Parkinson's gets unmanageable are dwindling ....
*Cheers* to you dear. May you take your peace where you can find it as well :)
Don't feel quilty, you need time to heal yourself.
*hugs*
Michael, honey I keep trying. Mom installed the guilt buttons so it doesn't take much for her to activate them. Fortunately it appears the situation - at least in part - is improving. Hopefully.
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Hi Kirsten - I've thought of you recently. It has been a wild ride hasn't it? I do believe I'm going to fire 2007 AND 2008 as well as 2006. ((((HUGS)))) to you dear :)
After my great aunt, TWO father-in-laws and my mother-in-law dying at different times over the last ten years in my home, I think of you often. Especially since my mother-in-law reminds me alot of your mother; in all the not so easy ways...
I will gladly second the motion to fire the last few years only if I get to slide in a caveat that I get to keep you, Cris and a few others. k? k.
Love you
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