Harold let me borrow his blog for a bit .....

Just some thoughts on things on this day after my beloved's 57th birthday.

I used to have man who didn't like me.

He said he would if I did more, worked harder, if I knew what I did wrong.

He wanted more things, more displays, more of something that simply wasn't Stephanie.

He didn't like Stephanie.

He blamed me for things beyond my control.

He wanted things that were not in my control to give.

He took my smallest accomplishments and took credit for them thus negating my role.

He took my larger accomplishments and said "see what I did - you couldn't have done it without ME"

Everything was his.  Nothing was mine.

Whatever I did wasn't enough, wasn't right, wasn't what he wanted.

When I would ask what he wanted, he normally told me if I didn't know he wouldn't tell me.

He would get angry and withhold affection for the smallest slight - real or imagined.

When I finally realized that in that 13 years he was saying "I don't like YOU"  I left.

He still doesn't like me and still blames me for things great and small.

He still takes credit for my paltry accomplishments and claims them as his own.

He still doesn't like me.  He still doesn't like himself.

I now have a man who praises my smallest efforts.

I now have a man who doesn't make fun of me and call me fat.

I now have man who is proud of me regardless of what I do.

I now have a man who talks to me not at me.

I now have a man who doesn't care how I look but rather how I feel.

I now have a man secure enough to trust and love without thought of compensation or return.

I now have a man who loves me for who I am - faults and all - and continually tells me.

He doesn't berate, withhold affection, or demand more in exchange for civility.

I now have someone who I can spend my life with.

And for that I will be eternally grateful.

thank you Harold for letting me borrow your blog.  The sentiments are mine but the words - as always - are yours.

Fragments of Life

Pieces of memories not recalled, portions of the past forgotten.

My mother's first husband recently contacted me to tell me his wife had passed away.  Much like myself, he is without family.  Much unlike me, he is without children (now) or spouse.

I have memories of him from back before kindergarten.  Memories of a laughing man who was bigger than life but always fun and was always nice.  Not all of my mother's men were nice.  Some were mean.  Some were worse.  It got to where I preferred the ones who ignored me.

Husband #1 was different.  When he arrived it was like Christmas and The 4th of July rolled into one.  Later years I realized that some of that was because that was what mother wanted.  Little did she realize through countless marriages that she ditched the one and only man willing to accept her on her terms.

He accepted me on mine as well.

While I wonder often about the term soul mates, these two were as close to it as possible for their fragmented, broken lives.  They divorced before I was born, she married my father, he married a woman who was pregnant with his child.  She married and divorced countless more times.

His wife just passed away.  I know his thoughts even though he didn't convey them:  that he wished that Mom could have held on long enough for them to have a 2nd chance.

That's the problem though:  so often in life there are no second chances.  Nobody's life comes with a guarantee -- or an expiration date.  You live life to the fullest and if you're going to go through it wrecking relationships always in search of the right one -- and looking the wrong places -- maybe it's just best to cash it in and say "hey you're the right one.  let's get this show on the road before we leave more bodies behind". 

His son (coincidentally my age) passed away earlier in the year from an aneurism. 

Even though Mom didn't leave me with a step father (or a father) who had any form of relationship with me, she did leave me with a surrogate something or other.  Rather almost a cross between stepfather, uncle, mentor and friend.  Inadvertently, she also left him with a surrogate daughter whom he knows will be there when needed.

Just a phone call away.


Not because that's what Mom would have wanted, but because I understand and because I'm basically all he has left.

and because he's truly alone - except for me.